My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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