I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
