my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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