I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
