why im i the only drunk person in the library?
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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