I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
