i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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