my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
