I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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