u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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