i was rollin on her like bob the builder
im six kinds of drunk right now
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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