Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
