Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Still dying that you shit outside
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
