i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
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