i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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