I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
My breasts were aching with rage.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize