i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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