Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
