My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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