my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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