I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
