drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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