Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize