I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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