I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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