Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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