a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
