im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
