just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
