new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize