i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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