i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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