I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Randomize
