The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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