I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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