I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
where are my pants?
in the oven.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
