I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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