So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
