I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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