Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
