I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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