i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We talked him into tasing himself.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
