Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
