my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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