I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So apparently I’m into choking now
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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