waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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