Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
