god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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