The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
someone owes me an orgasm
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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