I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Randomize
