someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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