I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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