I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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