Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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