Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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