I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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