so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
