it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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