So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
