I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
My underwear smells like fireworks.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
