I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
